I look over to the pen and paper resting next to me on my pillow and I want to write, but can't seem to put order to the jumbled words, tumbling around in my head. It's half past nine and I've got to get it done before I sleep. I've got to let him know how I really feel. The thing is I don't completely know yet.
I can hear the crickets chirping outside my window, covered in the blanket of the dark night. Sparkling lights dot the mountainside as many are up like myself, with their own struggles I think. He is. Air filters through, cooling my my thoughts and my skin. Little puffs pass softly along my thighs, up under my half opened chemise and onto my face. I close my eyes. Nice. Really nice.
Memories filter to the fore as I replay every erotic trail of his finger and lips on mine. Tender moments buoyed in the heated expectancy of a new love. Sweet love, burning both flesh and mind, searing all realistic thought. Lost in the moment of now. Clenched fists curl my pillow inward, as my erratic heart thumps wildly in my chest, threatening to cut off the air flowing to my lungs. It is then I remember. 1 2 3... breathe ... breathe... breathe more.
I have been here before. I have longed, I have desired, I have loved. Opening wide, leaving nothing hidden with naive trust, and I have lost. Breathe. Deep long rationalizing breaths, breathe again.
No I will not be rushed. I will take the time to know me and to understand what will truly satisfy all my desires. My dreams will be fulfilled with the wisdom it takes to complete each step. I will have my spontaneity when the season is ripe and ready to be fulfilled. Not before.
I lean over and turn off the light. Pen and paper pushed aside, I lay back against my pillow, eyes closed and enjoy the cool night. The crickets put music to my drifting thoughts. With each breath I am one.
